• Beyonce – Irreplaceable

I’ll tell you what bitch. Why don’t you keep walking to the left into oncoming traffic? I don’t give a flying fornication where you keep everything I own much less where it is in the closet. I think the only thing that could save this song is a remix by Eminem and Dr. Dre. They could call it, Underground. The intro could go something like,

Six feet down, six feet down,

Everything you were- in a box underground

In my house, that’s my money.

Damn bitch, bet you thought that shit was funny?

• Crazy Frog – Axel F

It’s really anything by the coked out, drugged up, retard who is Crazy Frog. Not to mention that I’m pretty sure he can be solely found on Radio Disney, which is sending our kids a good message: you don’t need to skill to make music, all you need is heroin, a needle, and another persons success. The reason why I chose Axel F is because first time I heard it, I almost made the mistake of thinking this was the Axel Foley theme from Beverly Hills Cop. If you haven’t seen that movie, it’s an old school 80′s classic black cop acting black in a white neighborhood. Then some asshole “remixes” it by adding gibberish and destroying the beat and every emo chick (or guy since they’re virtually the same) thinks it’s the definition of awesome techno. Guess what fuck-bucket, the unspoken rule of techno is it’s supposed to sound better loud. Crazy Frog only sounds better turned off and possibly urinated on. Personally I wouldn’t waste the piss.

• Mims – This is Why I’m Hot

Ok, I’ll admit it. I liked this song way back when. It had a good beat, it seemed to make sense, but then the alcohol haze wore off and I realized what I was listening to and suddenly I felt physically ill. That’s right, this song actually made me puke. If music really is his savior, his Messiah abandoned him long long ago. “I’m hot because I’m fly, you ain’t because you’re not.” Honestly buddy? That’s the best rhyme scheme you could come up with? Rhyming “hot” with “not”? Real badass right there. It sounds like he reread some notes from his middle school debate team. I’m hot because I’m fly! That’s like saying I’m cool because I’m awesome (that comparison is either from Paul or Eric, can’t remember.) You ain’t because you’re not. Holy mind trip Batman. And here I thought that if I wasn’t hot that I might still be hot. Turns out I’m not if I’m not. I’ll tell you what Mims, when you wonder how popular you are compared to other rappers out there just remember one thing. You couldn’t even pack a college bar in Long Island. Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out, you couldn’t afford to buy us a new one.

• Soulja Boy – Crank Dat

Really? I don’t know who to blame for this being played every fifteen minutes. Is it Soulja Boy’s fault for being so greedy that he rather sell ringtones than music or is it the fault of every stupid ass white boy who is happy they know a dance other than the macarena? I can’t dance. I know I can’t. I don’t automatically fall in love with shitty ass songs just so that I can fool the drunk bitch at the bar that I’m super fly. What’s worse than the guys who like this song are the girls who like this song. Half of them don’t even know what he’s saying: whether they think he’s saying, “why me skanky,” or whether they don’t know what it means to “super soak that hoe.” I’ll tell you what, if you don’t know what it means to super soak a hoe I will be more than happy to demonstrate. Sure I could just explain it, but then the humor will be missing, and everybody loves a good laugh. I’ll tell you what, if you absolutely disagree with me on this song heres what you can do. First you can go die in a fire. Then if you still don’t like it, check out Travis Barker’s version of this song. He’s the second best thing to the healing power of Jesus for this crap.

• Snoop Dogg – Gin N Juice

That was a test. If you read that and agreed with me, you’re a total tool. If you read that and thought, “yeah Snoop sucks,” you have no more rights to visit. Gin N Juice has survived the only true test to a songs worth. It has triumphed over time.

You can tell these fellas read their bible and praise be to Al -I mean Jesus- they know a good read when they sees it. It has caused me to see how I failed as a good Christian, besides the obvious reason, being Jewish.

It turns out that the Saab, my current vehicle, is that of a Kerb Crawler and sodomite. D’oh! For those who don’t know who or what a Kerb Crawler is; a Kerb Crawler is,

“[A] married man, usually with a young family. They play happy family’s during the day but by night they are lurking the streets looking for a whore.”

Direct quote right there. This is all Saab’s owners mind you, so if you are a girl with a Saab odds are you’re also a lesbian and thus, uh what is the term they use, oh yeah.. a sadodyke. Shame befalls your household. Now as if being a Kerb Crawler is not enough, I am also a sodomite. That surprised the hell out of me because how could they know what happened that one Christmas party back in.. oh wait. My mistake. It seems a sodomite is any man who either receives or gives oral sex with women. They got my number. Oh by the way, all you Mazda and Audi owners be warned. You are driving a male hairdresser’s car which means you are also a homosexual. So it was written in the bible, so it shall be.

As if finding out that my car makes me a man-whore and blasphemer wasn’t enough. It also turns out my fondness for cats marks me as a worshiper of the devil. If you don’t believe me follow the easy to read chart.

Fact : Christians were fed to lions.

Fact : Domestic house cats are in the same family as lions.

Conclusion : All cats are creatures of the devil.

There you have it folks, inescapable proof that if you have a cat or like cats you are in bed with Satan himself. Need more proof? Oh these guys did their homework. Here is a quick, “did you know?”

Did You Know : “Cats try to kill babies, they wait for opportune moment and then sit on the babies face and suffocate them or take the babies breath away.”

Did You Know : “It sits there very aloof watching every move you make, taking in information for its own benefit, as soon as your back is turned it will steal your food and scratch your favourite furniture. They destroy gardens and plants and kill all the wildlife around them.

Did You Know : “You are allowing Satan into your house, they are the eyes and ears of Satan. cats are also the bringers of death and always know before someone is about to die “

Did You Know : “they can carry various disease’s which could actually cause death. Its not been unknown for cats to attack people indiscriminately and cause serious injury, and it’s quite common for them to eat their elderly owners when they have past away”

Holy effin shit batman! Here I just thought it was a normal animal. Noah was a blasphemer of the highest caliber by allowing two cats, not to mention lions for God’s sake, onto his arc. It’s okay, he’s probably burning in hell anyway. These good kind Christians also offer up ways to deal with your cat if you, through some kind of Tom Cruise Witchery, accidentally happen to allow this foul, baby smothering criminal in your home. I won’t go into detail, but lets just say they are just one step shy of drawing a map as to where to find bricks, a sack, and a deep stream.

Need more proof that cats are evil? Look at these vile pictures of Satan in the flesh

Here is a cat stealing MAN food. Only Satan would steal food.

And this satanic beast is destroying your home. One failed print job at a time. For the love of God people, please get rid of these demonic, Egyptian empowered reincarnations of Lucifer. Don’t even let the normal looking ones like this fool you:

It is just the devil tempting you!

Everyone puts on fake smiles and pats you on the head or the back and says, “good job Timmy.” I think that’s more degrading than being told you failed. Sure my project looks like a piece of ass, but i know that it reflects my work. So the fact that it’s crappy means my ability is the same. So if I don’t want to look like a little bitch, I should man up and learn some Java or C++ programing. There are two responses to being called out on sucking. Either you man up and fix it or you admit that you suck.

So what’s it going to be world? Are you gonna man up and fix shit or are you gonna admit that you suck?